Let me be clear. Yes, I'm writing this because my girlfriend is on her period. I'm actually kinda worried about writing this because, you know, she is on her period. So, if there isn't any blog post in the next two months, you can safely say I'm dead. Oh, just in case my girlfriend does read this, please know that I like you whether you're on your period or not. But I just can't hold this in any longer.
--
Okay. Take deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out. You counted your girlfriend menstruation cycle and you come to a sad realization that 28 days from her last month period is today. You realize that her mood swings more than a fucking merry-go-round does.
"Hey, what's up?" you ask her.
"Eh, not much," she says.
"Oh, okay, you sure? You seem a bit down."
"I'm fine."
"Okay, then," you say as you're about to walk away.
After five minutes of silence, "WHY AREN'T YOU ASKING ABOUT ME? YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME!" she says as she breaks out in tears.*
*Note: Definitely not based on true story.
But worry not, for I am here with my abysmal amount of experience in relationship to give you advice on what to do when your girlfriend is on her period. First, take deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out. Oh wait, you already did that, didn't you? Let's move on to the second step then.
Second, watch what you say. Okay, I'm serious. Watch what your mouth fucking says.
If she asks, "How do I look?" and you would like to point out that her makeup is so horrible and that her wake-up face is so much better, don't. Just shut the fuck up and smile. Tell her, "You look stunning, darling." If she is cooking and she asks you "How does it taste?" and you take a bite of her food and you would like to throw up, don't. Sit back and wash your in-mouth puke with a glass of water. Smile and say "A bit too spicy for my taste, but it's excellent. You're an excellent cook and you should enter the Iron Chef."
Third, when you're with her, smile. Smile a lot. Don't ever find your lips arc upside down. If she ever catches you frowning, chances are she would break out and say "WHY ARE YOU FROWNING? YOU DON'T LIKE BEING WITH ME, DO YOU? WHY IS THE SUN SO HOT? WHY ARE YOU FAT?" as she cries.
Fourth, buy her chocolate. And buy her a lot of them. Sweet chocolate, bitter chocolate, mint chocolate, fruity chocolate, anything. Just give her some sweets and she should return to her human form earlier than otherwise it would take her.
Fifth, whatever's happening to you, don't complain. Even if you just had your wisdom tooth surgery, don't complain. Even if some birds just shat on your head, don't complain. Even if you just stepped on a bee, don't complain. Just don't. Whatever happens to you will never beat having your blood gushing out of your own vagina.
If you can do those five things properly, I'm sure you would make it past through this week up until next month, where she will transform herself into yet another monster.
Oh actually, if you think the things I wrote above are too much hassle, there is a better solution. You can just skip doing any of the five things and go to your local pharmacy, buy some sleeping aids, count the dose needed to knock you out for approximately five days, and drink it. This is actually what I am gonna do, so I'll see you guys in five days if my girlfriend hasn't killed me for writing this.
