December 8, 2013

On your quest to find someone to copulate with.


You see, I have a good friend who went by the nick of "Blacky." Because he is black, duh. Not black racially, more like the kind of black that would make him a really good spy as long as it's dark outside. But not black racially.

So, me and Blacky, we have been good friends for nine years and counting. But throughout those nine years, never have we liked the same girl, not once. The girls that I thought were cute, he deemed as flat-chested. And I saw the girls that he thought were cute as "meh." If you actually took the effort and made a Venn diagram between "Girls that I thought are cute" and "Girls that Blacky thought are cute," the intersection would probably be smaller than a typical ant. Granted, every now and then a girl came and she managed to cozily sit right in that very little small intersection, but that kind of girl was only born once every millennial or so. And even then, neither of us would want to date that particular girl. We just thought of her as cute, but not date-able. This taught me that I and Blacky have a different view of what our ideal partner should have.

Every single one of us have a mental list of how our ideal partner should look like and behave. I used to have a REALLY detailed list on what my ideal girl should have (heck, that list even contained what my preferred color of nail polish that she should use is). In fact, the list was so detailed that I was sure I would never be able to find the girl in question. I truly believed that I would sooner die a virgin before I could meet a girl satisfying 80% of that list.

God probably saw that list and decided that it would be funny to create a girl according to it. And funnier to let me meet her. So I did. I met this girl that was a somewhat perfect match of the list and, obviously, I fell for her. And I fell for her hard. To make the long story short, she fell for me too. But little did I know that she had her own list of what an ideal guy should have according to her. And I apparently was not that guy. So suffice it to say that she fell for me but not as hard as I did for her.

You see, the problem with making a too-detailed list of what your ideal partner should have is the fact that that person would be rarer than unicorns and you would be very very happy when you finally meet that person. You would literally look up to them and put them on a pedestal and cherish them. And when you put someone on a pedestal and you look up to them, they will have no choice but to look down on you. Keeping a relationship between two people is hard enough even without the handicap of one person looking down on the other.

It is perfectly fine to make a list of what your ideal partner should have, but it would be much wiser if you leave some room for flexibility. While finding someone to copulate with is definitely not an easy task (worst case scenario you can always just pay for it), it pales in comparison to finding someone to daily copulate with without getting bored. However, just remember that our quest to find someone to copulate with really comes down to a simple compromise between searching for the person we think we deserve and the person we're willing to settle down with. May you find the person that you would happily copulate with every day and night without getting bored!

December 1, 2013

On birthdays


And no. I'm writing this definitely not because today is my birthday or because I have any desire to remind you guys of it so you guys can congratulate me. Okay maybe a little bit.

On a more related note, the very idea of birthday really baffles me. I mean, Why do people congratulate someone on their birthday? It's my birthday today and God damn it, it feels really weird having people congratulate me just because I've survived another Earth's revolution around the Sun. 

I mean, sure, living on Earth is getting harder with each passing day, but I still don't think it's a feat worthy to be celebrated or --even more ridiculous-- to be wished happiness upon. Maybe when someone passes 80 year old or whatever the average life expectancy of human being is, then I believe it's appropriate to wish them a happy birthday. If they have just survived a mere 20 Earth's revolution around the Sun, wishing them a happy birthday sounds more like a mock than anything else.

While I think that the subsequent birthdays following your first are mundane and not worthy to be celebrated, I personally believe that your very first birthday (the day someone's vagina had to be cut and you were shoved head-first through it) is really important. It marks the start of your journey and is the origin of all the stupid birthday wishes you will get starting the following year. 

Not only do I find the idea of celebrating birthday weird, I find the very celebration of birthday even weirder. In some culture, people having birthday have to cut a cake with candles on it and to shut their eyes and pray their wishes before blowing the candles off. In another culture, they have to eat noodles with several red boiled eggs in it (coughchinesecough) because they believe that it is the secret to longevity. I bet you that the first person who convinced his friends that red eggs were the fucking secret to longevity actually sold eggs for a living. 

I hate thinking of myself as growing older, it's probably more appropriate for me to see myself as leveling up. But instead of getting power-ups or amazing abilities every time I level up, the only perk I get is increasing lower back pain every time I wake up from my prolonged sitting period. Ugh.