Creative writing in 5 steps

You heard it. 5 steps.

1. Fuck the grammar

No, no, I'm serious. Fuck the grammar. Don't let grammar hold you back in your quest to be the master of creative writing. I didn't mean to totally ignore the grammar such as "I you is ate burger, fat you?" That's not fucking the grammar, that's being retarded.

What I meant by 'fuck the grammar' is that you don't have to follow the grammar in English language to the very itsy-bitsy part. Like, starting a sentence using 'like', or even incorporating the word 'like' to express an example is actually wrong grammar-wise. And do you know that you should not start a sentence using conjunctions (such as 'and' and 'but')? But fuck that. It's called creative writing and you can do whatever you want with your writing. Unless you are writing a thesis, then unfuck the grammar and befriend it.

Another example of fucking the grammar is writing something like this. Or this. Or that. Or whatever. Just don't overdo it and write. Like. A. Person. Who. Has. An. Asthma. Attack.

2. Pee

If you ever have a pet dog, you will notice that sometimes they pee on an electrical pole in a desperate attempt to mark their territory. Like, "HEY THIS PLACE IS MINE THAT PLACE TOO WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK GRAY THIS EARTH BELONGS TO ME"

In order to do creative writing, you need to be like dogs. You -- as a writer -- need to pee on something (not literally, God, you're disgusting). Pee on your idea book, pee on your writing laptop, pee on the corner of the living room. Mark things as yours.

I, for one, have a book only for holding ideas for my creative writing (which I usually forget to carry around with me). I also have a writing laptop (a good-for-nothing-else laptop). I also have a sweet spot if I want to write. Usually it's in the corner of a living room, a bit farther away from the middle of the room so that even if the ceiling fan falls, I would still be able to survive.

In doing this, you are actually conditioning your mind to write. Everytime you see something interesting, you will remember to write it down in your idea book. Everytime you hold your writing laptop or sit in the corner of your living room, ideas will surge upon you pushing you to write.

3. Find a topic

This should probably be the first step, but whatever. First, in order to do creative writing, you need to find a topic. You need a topic that would make (some of) the readers say "What the fuck went through the mind of this guy?" not a topic such as "The sun is hot". Unless the reader is a 3 years old, chances are your readers already know about how hot a freaking sun is. Find a controversial topic, write it in such a way that people would like to meet you and punch you in the face. Make your readers think.

4. Surprise your readers

Readers hate expected stuff. They hate expected prologue (which is why you should start your writing in the middle of an action that would grab your readers' attention), they hate expected characters (which is why your characters should have their own voice). More than everything, they hate expected ending. Surprise your readers with anything that you can think of, such as writing only 4 steps while the title clearly says 5.