On relationship v 2.0

Ugh.

Yes it's four in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. And scientists have deliberately proven that the amount of time you've been awake is linearly proportional with how melancholic you are, which implies that I am now melancholic as fuck. My melancholy-level probably ranks somewhere between Adele and Taylor Swift right now. And I'm writing about something that -- if you're older than 15 year old -- you're very well accustomed to. About relationship.

You know, sometimes I find myself wishing that relationships were more like lego, that if it doesn't work out we can just knock it down and start all over again without anyone getting hurt.

Or if that was too much, I wish that at least soulmates were born with matching tattoos ingrained so that girls don't have to kiss so many random frogs before one of them miraculously turn into a prince charming (hopefully before they catch a salmonella). Or so that guys don't have to run around the city with a glass shoe in one hand looking for his princess.

Or heck. If that was still too much, I'd even settle down with an Android application that lets me find people with similar view of life as mine. 

But we know life doesn't work that way. People come and people go. And when there is a "hello," a "goodbye" lurks somewhere around the corner. 

You see, I once stumbled upon a definition of love that I think is the most accurate. 

So what does being in love feel like? 

It's like there's a button in front of you that says, "Press this for a 1 in 100 chance to get free cookies." But every time you press it, a bird comes and shits on your head. Yet you still press it. 

You still press it because people who managed to endure all the bird shits and actually get a cookie tell you that it's the BEST cookie they've ever had. They tell you it's so good that they'll willingly get shit on 99 more times in hope of getting another cookie.

So despite all the bird shit, you keep pressing.  

But we've hurt people and been hurt by others. We've pressed the "button" countless times and all it does is just summon a bird who will shit on our head out of nowhere. Yet we keep pressing the button hoping to get a cookie.

There will come a point in your life when you can't help but stroll through life and find your heart wondering "Is he/she the one for me?" to everyone you run into (especially if they're the opposite sex). And as you get closer to them, you find your heart whispering even more, "Hey, maybe I can live with this person."

And this is actually way more dangerous than it sounds like. You don't want your heart convincing you that you can live with them. You want your heart screaming at you, "HEY LOOK, I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THIS PERSON. CAN'T YOU JUST MARRY THEM ALREADY?" This world is full of fish, so don't settle down until you find a fucking mermaid. 

If you just settle down with a person that you THINK you can live with, you'd just end up wasting the rest of your life. Oh yeah, and not to mention you're exponentially increasing the world's population (which apparently is already WAYYYYY OUT OF HAND).

Don't be afraid of pressing the button, the amount of bird shit you have been enduring will be nothing when you finally get the cookie. 

Let's be more skeptical

Pre-reading meditation: Before you continue reading, ask yourself these: 1. Am I a sensitive little prick? 2. Am I an overly religious person who -- despite how logical a religious argument is -- will snap at it? 3. Do I hate thinking?

If you answer any of the above question with a "yes," please stop reading and go watch Spongebob or do something else. Just, please. Stop reading.

Have you brushed your teeth today?

If you're like tons of other people, chances are you would smear your toothpaste all the way along your toothbrush, just like the above image.

Now I don't know about you, but I smeared toothpaste all the way along my toothbrush because the guy in the TV commercials did so. Or probably because my parents taught me how to brush my teeth and I kinda went along with it. Whatever.

Turns out, that we don't actually need to put THAT much toothpaste to brush our teeth. Apparently, the amount of toothpaste we need to use daily doesn't exceed the size of a pea. Which is like a measly 1/3 of the amount of toothpaste we use daily.

Mhm. That's the amount of fluoride we actually need daily.

The guy in the TV commercials put that much toothpaste because: 1. it looks good on TV, and 2. it makes you buy more toothpaste, which nets the company more profit, duh. I'm not saying that the way most people brush their teeth is wrong, it's just sub-optimal.

I'm writing this because I had just attended a motivational seminar and by God, I was more scared than I was motivated. I heard the speaker said one little obnoxious phrase and IMMEDIATELY afterwards my eardrums were pierced by the chanting of hundreds of people repeating what the speaker had just said. It was eerily scary how easy it was to manipulate Indonesians (or brainwash people in general).

When did we start believing everything? When did we stop asking questions? When did we stop being skeptical? Or maybe we didn't fully stop being skeptical, we simply stopped being skeptical at some things. As George Carlin put it, "Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they will have to touch it to be sure.”

We're skeptical all right, but we're skeptical at the wrong things. We accept things that we cannot immediately prove. We shut our eyes close to the things that we do not understand and we stop asking questions. In this instant generation, we demand everything to be instantaneous. Instant noodle, instant rice, and instant pudding. Not only food, we also demand instant answers. But really, there is no such thing as "instant." Even instant noodle takes three minutes to cook and instant pudding takes 10. When we do not get instant gratification as per our questions, we lose interest and immediately stop asking questions.

I know it's cringe-inducing, but since I'm already talking about skepticism, I might as well talk a little bit about religion. Despite what I had written above, I am a christian (by that I mean I believe that there once lived a guy who died for my sins). And I know, unless some freaky genius invents Doraemon or time machine, I would have no way to prove that a bearded guy actually died for my sins, and that's where faith comes in. I get it and that's fine.

But there are things that we should be more skeptical about. (I know I'd get some angry feedback simply by writing about this. Ask me if I give a damn). For example, let's go and read Malachi 3:10-11.

10 "Bring one-tenth of your income into the storehouse so that there may be food in my house. Test me in this way," says the LORD of Armies. "See if I won't open the windows of heaven for you and flood you with blessings. 11 Then, for your sake, I will stop insects from eating [your crops]. They will not destroy the produce of your land. The vines in your fields will not lose their unripened grapes," says the LORD of Armies. 

If you have been a christian for quite some time, I'm sure you're fully aware about tithing. Direct your attention to verse 11. I don't know about you, but to me, it sounds awfully close to extortion. Anyway, for Christians, it has become so natural (as natural as smearing toothpaste all the way along our toothbrush?) to freely give 10% of our income. And that's fine, it's your money and I couldn't care less about the way you spend it. But there are kids out there that give 10% of their income pocket money that they receive from their parents to the church. I mean, IT'S NOT EVEN YOUR INCOME, WHY ARE YOU TITHING IT. And again, please be aware that I don't think children tithing is wrong or bad or negative in any way (I have to bold this because apparently some people, as indicated by the below comment, are butt-hurt by this post). I just think that there are so many children tithing without knowing what tithing actually means (they just do it because their parents do it or whatever). And them tithing without knowing what it actually means is bad.

I'm not asking that we all should immediately be more skeptical. All I'm asking is the next time you brush your teeth, remind yourself this: "Something doesn't immediately become true simply because you have believed in it for forever."

If my writing somewhat offended you (despite the warning I had put at the start of this post), please know that I sincerely apologize and I meekly ask you to go fuck yourself.

The unpublished scene of meter per second

   Di benak gue, yang namanya Student Council alias OSIS itu pasti dipenuhi dengan orang-orang yang super duper kuper, kacamataan, cupu, dan pada umumnya ngga seru. Oleh karena itulah, ketika Sir David mencalonkan gue untuk menjadi ketua OSIS ketika gue kelas 11, respon yang pertama terlontar dari mulut gue adalah: "Lo gila ya Sir?"

   "Excuse me?" ujarnya sambil memiringkan kepalanya dan mengarahkan telinga kanannya ke arah gue. Entah kenapa gue ngerasa kalo Sir David benernya denger apa yang gue barusan omongin dengan jelas, ia hanya memberikan gue satu kesempatan lagi untuk mengganti respon gue.

   "Um. Maksud saya. Anu. Eh. Itu kan nominasinya bakalan di awal tahun ya kan, Sir?" Gue memutar otak gue dengan cepat, berusaha mencari alibi yang cukup kuat supaya gue ngga dinominasiin jadi ketua SC. "Kucing saya ulang tahunnya di bulan Februari, Sir. Dan saya harus siapin pesta ultahnya." Kalimat yang barusan gue lontarkan terdiri dari dua kebohongan, 1. Kucing gue, Garfield, ultahnya bulan Juni, dan 2. Garfield udah mangkat waktu gue kelas lima SD.

   Sir David mengangkat salah satu alisnya. Mukanya kini begitu dekat dengan muka gue sehingga gue bisa melihat dengan jelas satu helai rambut berwarna abu-abu yang mencuat keluar dari hidungnya. "Ini bukan permintaan," ujarnya sambil menyipitkan kedua matanya. "Ini perintah.

   "Sir percaya kalo Agus punya kemampuan leadership terpendam yang luar biasa dan spektakuler dan brilian dan dan--" Ia memutarkan tangan kanannya dalam lingkaran kecil berulang kali seolah mencari kata yang pas. "Magnificent. Sir ngga pingin Agus menyia-nyiakan bakat terpendam Agus. Sir pingin Agus berkembang." (Sebulan kemudian gue baru ngeh kalo Sir David maksa gue jadi ketua SC karena dia taruhan sama guru-guru lainnya mengenai bisa ato ngganya dia mengangkat anak yang malesnya luar biasa [alias gue] menjadi ketua SC).

   Dihadapkan dengan bertubi-tubi alasan seperti itu, gue hanya bisa tertunduk dan mengiyakan "permintaan" Sir David. Gue mencalonkan diri menjadi ketua SC dengan harapan murid lain (yang lebih pinter dan lebih cupu dan lebih memiliki panggilan hidup untuk menjadi ketua SC di masa SMAnya) bakalan diangkat jadi ketua. Oleh karena itulah gue super kaget ketika voting demi voting menyibakkan nama gue.

   Sebuah suara terdengar menggelegar di speaker masing-masing kelas, "...Augustin, Augustin, dan voting terakhir adalah... Augustin lagi! Augustin Limanto telah terpilih menjadi ketua SC Unity International School untuk tahun ajaran 2011-2012!" 

   Kampret. Gue harus menghabiskan masa-masa SMA gue yang sangat berharga dan penuh akan kemudaan ini dengan menjadi ketua SC. Bleh.

   Sekali lagi gue ingetin kalo SC di benak gue itu diisi dengan orang-orang cupu yang berkacamata tebel. Dan gue hampir bener. Di antara lautan manusia yang berkacamata itu, terlihat ada dua sosok cewek yang -- kalo kata Afgan -- mengalihkan dunia gue. Kedua cewek tersebut rupanya berasal dari kelas 10 dan Sir David memperkenalkan mereka sebagai sekretaris dan bendahara SC tahun ini.

   Sang sekretaris berjalan ke arah gue dan memperkenalkan dirinya sebagai "Rhea sekretaris yang suka baca komik yang hanya mendaftar menjadi sekretaris karena dipaksa oleh Filia Graciel." Gue merespon dengan memperkenalkan diri gue sebagai "Agus ketua SC yang suka bubble tea dan martabak" dan menanyakan siapa Filia yang ia maksud.

   Rupanya Filia adalah salah satu dari dua cewek yang berhasil mengalihkan dunia gue di ruangan SC yang penuh dengan manusia berwajah kalkulator itu.

   "Halo, gue Filia. Filia yang suka main gitar," katanya.

   Meskipun nyokap gue selalu ngajarin gue buat menatap mata lawan bicara gue, mata gue dengan sendirinya bergerak ke arah bawah lututnya. "Halo, gue Agus yang suka main sepak bola. Lo maen futsal juga?" tanya gue spontan. Meskipun tadi Filia dan Rhea mengalihkan dunia gue, it's safe to say kalo sekarang betis Filia mengalihkan semesta gue. 

   Rhea terbahak. Dan dengan terbahak, maksud gue TERBAHAK. Suara tawanya terdengar begitu keras sampai semua orang yang ada di ruangan SC berhenti berbincang-bincang dan berpaling ke arah kami.

   "Gue ngga main futsal!" Suaranya yang terdengar agak kesal bikin gue berpikir kalo gue udah memberikan kesan pertama yang buruk. "Gue mainnya sepak takraw," ujarnya sambil nyengir lebar-lebar.

   Ah. Cewek yang punya selera humor yang bisa tertawa pada betisnya sendiri. Maybe I'll get along with her, pikir gue. "Jadi," ujar gue memulai basa-basi gue, "gimana pelajaran so far?"

   "Capek nih. Semangat masih semangat liburan, kayak males mau ngapa-ngapain gitu," kata bendahara berbetis godzilla tersebut.

   "A body at rest tends to stay at rest," kata gue mengulang satu-satunya hukum fisika yang gue inget. "And a body in motion tends to stay in motion. Hukum inersia biasa. Badan lo masih kebiasa liburan, makanya lo mager." Rhea (yang suka baca komik dan daftar jadi sekretaris hanya karena dipaksa Filia Graciel) mengangkat alisnya dan bersiul.

   "Hukum Newton yang pertama? Gue sama sekali ngga nyangka kalo lo se-geeky ini waktu gue pertama kali ngeliat lo," kata Filia sambil tertawa kecil.

   Gue mengangkat dua jari gue. "Hukum Newton yang keDUA."

   "Pertama!" teriak Filia balik.

   "Kedua," jawab gue, berusaha menjaga kekaleman gue.

   "Pertama!"

   Gue langsung menarik keluar hape gue dan meng-google tentang hukum Newton dannnnnnnn rupanya itu hukum Newton yang pertama. Shit, malu juga, pikir gue. Gue langsung menempelkan hape ke telinga gue berpura-pura ada yang menelepon gue dan ngibrit kabur.

   Di saat gue kabur, dalam hati gue berpikir, Ah, cewek yang punya selera humor yang bisa tertawa pada betisnya sendiri DAN pinter. Maybe menjadi ketua SC ngga seburuk seperti yang pertama kali gue bayangin.