If I were a girl,..

.. I would suck (metaphorically, not literally) because I didn't like taking selfies.

.. I would be bad at it because I couldn't think of more than two hashtags when posting a picture on Instagram.

.. I would have no friends because I didn't have the patience to return the empty compliment of other girls about how "beautiful" I looked on a picture. 

.. Nobody would tell me how slim I was because I couldn't bring myself to post a picture with the caption "OMG I'M SO FAT."

.. I would be broke as fuck when blood gushed out of my genital because I would spend all my money to buy vitamin E.

.. You know what? I would still be broke as fuck even when I wasn't on my period because society demanded girls to wear makeup and stuff, and that shit ain't cheap. 

.. I would probably cry. A lot. I mean, I'm already quite emotional even with a penis attached to my crotch, I wonder how much more emotional I would be without one.

.. I would cry about my stupid boyfriend who spent more time playing games than talking to me.

.. I would cry about fictional characters in stupid Korean drama.

.. I would cry about my stupid little crush who couldn't take a hint that I really liked him.

.. I would enjoy the free drinks at bars.

.. But more than that, I would enjoy special parking spots.

.. I would also enjoy feigning interest in guys who were interested in me, and when they confessed their feelings to me, I would look them in the eyes, pick my words carefully, and friendzone them. ("Aw, so cute. But I never saw you that way. But hey, we can still be friends.")

.. I would probably spend too much of my time waiting for the right guy. Not only did he have to love me, but he had to also be rich. And handsome. And funny. And would accept me as I was.

.. Then I would cry again because that kind of guy didn't exist.

.. And I would probably cry again after realizing I was getting older because women are a lot like Christmas trees in the sense that after 25, they're both half-priced.

.. Then I would probably say "Fuck it," and buy a dozen of cats.