On being rejected.

"I'm in love with you," I looked up to her after putting all 99 roses down on the ground. "Would you be my girlfriend?"

She smiled. Just like a hunter's smile as he was approaching his dying prey right before dealing the final blow. 

Silence.

The only audible sound was that of the candle's flickering flame. The candles I put all around the 99 roses were silently melting. I nervously smiled as I waited for her answer.

She opened her mouth. I waited, but no words seemed to follow. Then, after what seemed to be a minute or an hour, she said "thank you." Her lips were still curled and formed the perfect smile. I instantly knew where this was going. Please tell me this is just a lie. Tell me this is all just one big lie. "Thank you Kent, really. I really appreciate it. You being here, on my birthday, at 12 AM. This is just... too sweet, but..." she was biting her lips, but I could still hear her words nonetheless.

I stayed silent. My eyes were fixated to the 99 roses with all the candles surrounding them. I knew exactly what she would say next and what would happen afterwards, but deep inside, I wished I didn't.

"But I can't see you as more than a friend, Kent. I'm sorry," she said.

I knew it. What she said shook me. My brain searched for words to say, my mouth gasped for response, but neither came up with anything. I smiled, or at least I tried to. "I know, this is your sweet seventeenth birthday, right? I, I knew that you would reject me. I just wanted to confess to you, I just want to... give you something to remember. I want to give us something to remember," I held back my tears with my eyes still fixed to the roses on the ground.

I cleaned up after my mess and wished her good night. And as soon as I saw her disappearing into her house, I ran back to my car and drove home. I cried and cried. And when I thought I was done crying, I cried a little bit more. I silently swore that I would be so good at everything and would not be rejected. Ever again. 

--

It's been five years since that happened and I have actually forgot how it feels like being rejected. Until yesterday. An e-mail from Purdue came with the header 'Application Decision.' I took a deep breath and clicked on it.

It's like every organ in my body stopped functioning and I couldn't remember how to breathe. The news came upon me and shook me to the very core. Before I knew it, I was laughing. I thought I was supposed to be sad, fall down and cry. But I didn't. I laughed. And laughed. I pinched my cheek, but I couldn't feel anything, so I punched a wall. My fist hurt, this can't be a dream. I punched my chest, forcing myself to cry only to find myself laughing, again.

This seemed like a bad joke. A very bad joke. I held my Blackberry to my chest, waiting for a follow-up e-mail from my school saying "HA! Did we get you? We were just kidding, here is your acceptance letter," but none came. That was when I knew this was not a dream, nor was it a joke. This was the reality. A painful one. I quickly replied to them asking what the reason for my graduate school rejection was. Fueled by anger and confusion, my fingers wouldn't stop typing. I sent it and there was no immediate reply.

I quickly resorted to blaming. I need to blame someone to rationalize this. This is not fair! I am not in the wrong! A Purdue graduate, with a pretty high GPA and a pretty high GRE score, rejected? It didn't make sense, at least not for me. The problem was, whom? Whom can I blame? None. I could blame no one but myself. It was then when something dawned on me. A revelation, an inspiration. I somehow recalled one of the two Bible verses I actually do remember.

1 Corinthians 10.13.

¹³ No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. -- 1 Corinthians 10.13 (NKJV)

Being rejected sucks. Big time. Be it rejected by your crush, or rejection in general. But when a door closes, another door opens. And there might be even greater treasures in the door that just opens. Be strong and walk, believe that everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. The way I see this rejection is that He doesn't want me to go for master's degree. Hey, maybe He wants me to learn how to write better and live off my writing instead of wasting my time pursuing for a master's degree. Who knows, right? 

My next plan is to either go to Singapore to work or to China to learn Chinese, which one would be a better option? Please kindly comment and let me know what you guys think, thank you so much!

(Oh, and for those of you wondering, yes, the cheesy roses thing was for my ex. I confessed to her three times before we actually went out.)