Instagram for Dummies

Disclaimer: This is not sarcastic by any mean. Any offense done or taken is probably fictional, coincidental, and not directed to any one of my readers in particular.

For those of you who are cool enough or ignorant enough to not know what Instagram is, it basically is a "social media" that lets you upload a picture (usually a picture of a meal or a selfie with the occasional scenery/inspirational quote) and put a filter on it. It doesn't matter if you have no sense of photography (like I do), by using Instagram's filters, your pictures would look like it was taken by a pro photographer.

With that being said, I always thought that Instagram was stupid, like taking pictures of food before eating it, or taking pictures of yourself with stupid filters. That is, until I decided to join Instagram myself. And then now I totally think that Instagram is retarded. The worse part is the fact that I, too, now indulge in these retarded activities. Every time I have a fancy meal, I'd stop and think about SHOULD I INSTAGRAM THIS SO PEOPLE KNOW I'M GETTING ENOUGH NUTRITION?

Anyway, after being on Instagram for I guess around a month and endless research about accounts with lots of followers, I have designed a fail-proof method on how to use Instagram for dummies.

1. Be pretty
   I know that society's view on the word "pretty" is really distorted. But I still think that this is probably the best advice I can share on doing Instagram. I followed around 100 people on my Instagram and there are accounts who have more than a thousand followers simply by being pretty. Well, and probably by repeatedly taking a thousand pictures of selfies, uploading the one they think strangers on internet would think is good enough to tell other creepy strangers to fap to that one picture you uploaded. But still, being pretty helps.
   
   
2. Take lots of selfies
   Apparently, being pretty by itself is not enough. You also need to take lots of selfies. And I do mean LOTS of them. It's a good measure, just in case your face wasn't clear enough in your previous 100 selfies. Not to mention that your followers/stalkers would like to take a closer look at your face from different angle.
   
   
3. Hashtag everything
   Now we're talking about the very soul of Instagram. I once saw a picture of a motherfucking bubble tea with like 23 hashtags. Below are the actual hashtags I found:

   #instamood. #webstagram. #bestoftheday. #instafamous. #instacool. #instafood. #foodpic. #instadaily. #instaphoto. #instaday. #foodporn. #igers. #igersoftheday. #likeforlike. #like4like. #photooftheday. #picoftheday. #urth. #caffe. #boba. #green. #tea. #black. (GOD, MANUALLY TYPING THESE HASHTAGS TOOK FOREVER).

   Or worse, I've seen a selfie with like 30 hashtags or something. Some of the hashtags are like: #girl. #girls. #asian. #asians. #selca. #selcas. #selfie. #selfies. #woman. #women. etc. It took me 10 seconds to ponder whether these people are doing social media or learning plurals. 

   More reasons to do hashtags: people all around the internet wouldn't be able to tell if you were an Asian girl if you didn't put those hashtags on your selfie. 

   Even more reasons to do hashtags: hashtagging nets you strangers on internet ogling over your picture followers. Who cares if people around you thought you're an attention whore as long as you get followers, right? Right? Right.
   
   
4. Take pictures with everyone
   If your friend looks as cute as you, well, no harm done. If your friend is uglier than you, HEYYY YOU ARE NOW THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE PICTURE. If your friend looks better than you, well, just pray like hell to God that osmosis applies to beauty, too.
   
   
5. #nofilter, #nomakeup, #justwokeupface
   This will be my last advice on Instagram. Take 100 selfies with MINIMAL (underline this word) makeup, upload the one that you think will net you compliments (which will tremendously boost your self esteem), hashtag it with #nofilter #nomakeup (feel free to throw in 30 more hashtags), and finally bask in your followers' empty compliments on how pretty you are even without any makeup or any filter. (Optional: tell them you're not pretty so you can get extra compliments)

I wish you the best of luck in your quest to conquer Instagram by seeking approvals from strangers all around the internet and happy hashtagging!