Things I would do to get a job I don't even want.

1. I would go through an additional four years of education.
   
   As if 14 years-worth of education is not enough, we need to make it 18 if we want to even be considered eligible for work. Not to mention all the education that we won't ever use in real life. *cough* humanities and sociology *cough*.
   And of course, a simple 18-years of education isn't enough either. We need to get a good GPA to be considered as potential employee. “Oh you have a 4.0 GPA? No, no, by all means, please tell me more about how you are such a social person.”
   
   
2. I would type a one-page paper full of lies.
   
   The very idea of screening employees using a one-page paper is stupid. “Objective: To obtain a full time position with a company that will benefit from my problem solving skills”? How about,  “Objective: to get money because having to ask money from my parents is just not cool.”
   
   Also, why is “I can sleep while standing” or even “I can drive and simultaneously text and eat instant noodle” not something a company would be impressed with? I mean – no offense to anyone who can't – but if I were the one hiring, I would definitely hire someone who can drive, text, and eat at the same time (they are fucking pro at multitasking).
   
   
3. I would wake up at 7 and work my ass off until 5.
   
   I mean, that's what we do in college anyway, right? Not for some people, I know you guys skip lots of classes, you lazy bastards. Well, I'm probably one of those people (I'm a nocturnal person and I find it hard to sleep at night), but I won't skip work for sure. I mean, skipping classes means you don't get the value of the money you already paid for. While skipping work means you don't get any money. And I would happily take sleeping drugs to sleep early just to prevent me not getting any money.
   
   
4. I would act interested in a company that I'm not even slightly interested in.
   
   I like games, Twitter, Dr. Pepper, and sleeping. Here is a really easy way to see if I'm really interested in a company: if your company makes video games, or allows me to use Twitter at work, or gives me an infinite supply of Dr. Pepper, or lets me nap during work, I would be greatly interested in your company. If not, chances are I fake my interest like most girls do orgasms.
   
   
5. I would lie my ass off during an interview.
   
   (During an interview) What do I like to do during my spare time? Of course playing golf and spending time with my friends in a coffee shop. What? You checked my Facebook and saw my status about Diablo 3? That's nonsense. I definitely value real people more than I value video games. Video games are for kids, anyway.
   Oh, and yes, I look forward to working with your company!