On relationship

No, I'm not writing this to brag to you guys that I now have a girlfriend. It's just an overflow of feeling I've felt for a month and a half.

And yes! I'm finally writing something that everyone could relate to. Okay, if you're still in grade school, maybe not for you. Why are you here? Go watch Spongebob or play some Lego. Or Barbie. Whatever.

If you know me in real life, I'm sure you know I'm not exactly the sweetest guy when it comes to talking. I have had a sharp tongue ever since I was a kid. 'Oh you just bumped your elbow hard on a table? Must have sucked being the table,' was something I spouted ever since I was 10 years old. So yes, sweet talk has never been my strong point.

So many things changed when I got into this relationship though.

It's like an out-of-body experience, really. I could see myself from across the room right as I say sweet, corny words. It's weird, it feels so out of place, yet it feels comforting. The single me a few months ago would have puked if he had heard the sweet and corny words I'm uttering. The single me a few months ago would have rolled his eyes if he saw me taking pictures with my face so close to hers.

One day, she asked me, "Why me? Why not someone else? I mean, you could have found yourself someone prettier, someone smarter, someone more attractive. Someone 'better' than me. Why me?"

I was dumbfounded. Why her? I could feel me googling my brain, asking 'Hey, why her?' and so many answers came up. Instead I shut up and answered her, "Just because." She seemed not pleased with my answer. So I racked up my brain and searched for other answers.

I kept thinking, and the more I thought, the more answers I came up with. Even by the second, my brain kept piling up reasons why I chose her. It was then when I realized that I liked her (and yes, I have some sort of phobia with the word 'love,' hence the absence of the word 'love' in my writings) and chose her because of so many little things. There was no ONE big reason why I fell for her. I fell for her because of all the little things that made her, her. She is funny, she is cute, the way she didn't put on makeup on our first date, the way she spent fifteen minutes pondering about what drink to order, the way she tickles me, the way she smiles at me shyly when I look at her, the way she thinks before spending money, the way she thinks my fat stomach is a drum that she could tap on, the fact that she actually thinks about her future, the fact that she gives her all in everything she does... And the list went on.

Here is something to think about. I actually think the saying "You don't need a reason to love someone," is bullshit. You need reasons to love someone and you need a million of them. You love someone not only because they are beautiful. You love someone not only because they're rich. You love someone not only because they are funny. You don't love someone because of ONE big reason, you love someone because of all the little things that made them, them. So even if one thing changes from them, you would still love them because you still have 999,999 reasons to love them.

Actually, right before I wrote this, one of my friends asked me, "On a scale of one to ten, how does your girlfriend score?"

To which I promptly answered, "8. I guess..."

"Not 10?"

"Not yet. But one day, maybe she would be my ten. Maybe."

Questions I would ask an autistic person

Hi.

What's your name? Eric? What's that? Your name is not Eric? Whatever, the closest person to autistic I know has Eric as a name. So let's call you Eric.

For all I know, you might not be an autistic person. You might simply be an obese person. With sleepy eyes. Who doesn't like cutting his toenails. Who dresses sloppily. Who drools every minute. For all I know, you're not autistic, you simply are just still not ready for society. But let's pretend for a moment. Let's pretend your name is Eric. And let's pretend you're autistic.

Hi.

Can you see how many fingers I'm holding up? Five? Exactly. How about now? Three? Wow, so you really can see without problem. So what's the problem with you then?

What's your favorite food? Bulgogi? Really? Hey, we're kinda similar, no? Maybe I'm autistic as well...

Do you know how to make the number 6 from three 0s using any mathematical notation you can think of? What? You give up? One answer is ((0)!+(0)!+(0)!)! It's too hard even for normal people? I guess it is... Oh well.

Let's stop talking about random stuff. How does it feel to be an autistic person in society? Does it feel weird having people look at you as you walk around? Or does it not even bother you in the slightest? I personally don't mind people staring at me as long as I'm sure my hair is not sticking up in some weird places. But you? 

What do you think when people do kindness for you? I always hold the principle that people do kindness for me, simply because (1) they like me, or (2) they're kind. But, if I were like you, I might have to reconsider adding '(3) because they pity me' as one possible reason people are kind to me. Do you feel that way? Or do you not even think and just take their kindness for granted?

Have you been this way since you were a kid? Or did you fall and hit your head as you tried to fix your AC? Eh? Autism is a chromosomal disease and not a physical disorder? You really know your stuff, don't you?

Whoa! Look at that butterfly! Hey? Hey, where are you going? Why are you zealously following the butterfly? I see a butterfly, what do you see? A dragon? Do you seriously think that stupid butterfly is more interesting than me? Fine.

Hi. Are you done chasing that butterfly? Good.

Did you know that 1 in 88 kids has what you have? Which means that there are 80 millions people beside you who have what you have. Does it comfort you that you're not alone? Or do you not even care? It's not the best analogy ever, but if I don't do homework and I see some of my friends haven't done their homework as well, I actually feel relieved. Do you? 

Eh? Your parents are looking for you and you have to go home? One last question. How do you think your parents feel when they understood you're... a bit different? If I had an autistic kid... I don't know what I would do. Honestly? I would prefer not having a kid rather than having an autistic kid. No offense, but even the thought of having a normal kid annoys me, let alone having an autistic kid. 

Okay, thanks for this. Bye! What? Why am I waving my hand? That's the gesture of parting with people. Here, you wave your hand like this... Why do we do this? I have no idea, really. I have been taught like that ever since I was a kid. Bye, Eric! I really hope to see you again, I still have a ton of questions I'd like to ask!

I'm writing this because I actually saw an (arguably) autistic person. And I do wonder how does it feel to be like him. I'm really sorry if I offend anyone with my curiosity. Please know that this post is, by no means, intended to offend people with autism. Or parents who have autistic children.

The Fifth Commandment

If you're a devoted Christian and you either: 1) attend church every Sunday, or 2) read a Holy Bible every night before you go to sleep, chances are you can easily recite the Ten Commandments He gave Moses like a few thousand years ago.

For some of you (like me), who can't recall the Ten Commandments by heart, here you go:

1. You shall have no other gods before me
2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy
5. Honor your father and mother
6. You shall not murder
7. You shall not commit adultery
8. You shall not steal
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
10. You shall not covet

Okay, before you start spouting some random stuff at me, please know that I think the Ten Commandments are awesome. And if people actually start obeying it, this world would be a much better place. I mean, a world where there is no murder? A world where there is no chance of your wife being fucked by other people? A world where there is no theft? A world where there is no liar? It would be one perfect world, indeed.

Let's look deeper into it, shall we?

The first three commandments is about God. The one guy who supposedly created Earth, Sun, Moon, and everything else, which means that they are not about me. And since this blog is just one big egoist's rant, I could safely ignore the first three commandments here, right?

For the fourth commandment, Sunday is probably the only day in the week that I could actually spend sleeping without feeling guilty. And sleeping is -- whether you believe it or not -- the holiest activity that you can ever do. I mean, when you're awake, there is a chance that you will look at your neighbor's car and unconsciously drool at it, right? And yearning for other people's stuff, that's breaking the tenth commandment right there. So yes, I could safely say I 'remember' the Sabbath day and I effortlessly keep it holy, then I could safely ignore the fourth commandment.

For the sixth up to the ninth commandment, I can say that I wholeheartedly agree with them since they align with common sense. And they are actually enforced by laws. Even if I do want to murder someone, I don't want to get into jail. Same thing goes with stealing and the rest. So, no question for the sixth up to the ninth commandment.

That leaves us with the fifth commandment. And the tenth, which I will not talk about here.

The fifth commandment dictates that we 'honor our father and mother.' I first read the Ten Commandments when I was 8 years old, and the first thing that I realized upon reading it was that it was 'honor,' instead of 'love.'

Did you know that the word 'love' appeared in the Bible 686 times while 'honor' appeared 211 times? Why honor? Why not use the more common word, love? I mean, they're our parents, it's only obvious if He told us to love them, no? 

When I was a kid, I used to like my dad. My dad used to allow me to do stuff, he introduced me to freedom. When I wanted to go to my friend's house, I asked him. When I wanted to buy something, I asked him. Long story short, I used to like him.

When I was a kid, I used to not like my mom (I didn't exactly hate her, I just didn't like her). All the things that I didn't like but had to go through, she forced me to do it. She was the one who forced me to go to dentist to have my teeth fixed. She didn't allow me to eat a lot of candies. She scolded me if I spent too much money on phone bills. She didn't allow me to go out when I have exams the day afterwards. Long story short, I used to not like her.

As I grew up, both my mom and dad changed. And I can safely say that I really love my mom now. If you ask me who the person I respect and love the most is, my answer would be my mom. I respect and love her, a lot. As for my dad, let's say there are a lot of people I respect more than him. I'm currently 21 years old now, and I still have no idea why the Ten Commandments dictate that we respect our parents, instead of love them. I'm not saying that I disagree with the fifth commandment, all I'm saying is that Moses should rephrase it.

I mean, you can love someone unconditionally. And that's the greatest definition of love, right? Skipping dinner when you're financially lacking and giving it to your child as you say, "Eat it, son, I'm not hungry." Lending your girlfriend your laptop as you say, "Use it, I can live without my laptop, anyway." Love can be unconditional and it is encouraged to be so.

Respect, on the other hands, is different. There is no such thing as unconditional respect. One has to do something extraordinary to gain respect. You can't just sit around being good-looking and earn respect. SNSD, for example, some people respect them not because they're cute, but because they follow a strict diet (and probably because they're able to straight-facedly lie to general public about not having plastic surgery).

You might wonder as to why I'm writing this. My point is this, if you're a parent or a soon-to-be parent, do not abuse your child and expect them to respect you just because the Bible says so. Stop shoving Bible in your kids' face and ask them to respect you. Do something for them so they will respect you without you having to ask them. Respect is not given, it is earned. 

If you were to die right now...

It's a scary thought, really. I mean, if people get divided to only 'good' people and 'bad' people, I know I'm gonna get into the 'good' people group. I'm good in the sense that I don't kill people. That I don't rape people. That I don't steal from people. That I don't lie (apart from white lies, but hey, everyone does, right?). That I don't slap people when they're annoying. That I don't punch kids in their faces when they're noisy. That I brush my teeth everyday. Basically, I'm a good person.

And if heaven does exist and admittance to heaven depends on how 'good' a person is, I'm sure I will be admitted into heaven. No doubt - okay, maybe if the gatekeeper of heaven would overlook that one time that I pushed someone into a swimming pool and made it look like an accident. And that one time I secretly took three candies off a tray while the sign clearly said "please take just one, thank you."

I'm writing this because someone I didn't even know died passed away. I don't know the person, but I know her sister. I'm not even close to her sister. In fact, I just met her like three days ago. She told me that her sister just passed away and I was shocked. I tried to comfort her, but nothing came to my mind. I didn't even know the one who passed away, how was I supposed to comfort her?

'I understand how you feel'? I didn't know how she felt. To have someone you hold so dearly to you die. So I told her 'I couldn't imagine what you must be going through.'

'Be brave'? Why the fuck should she be brave? Her sister just passed away and the last thing she needed to be was to hold her tears in and burst from too much tears dwelling in her eye sockets. So I told her 'It's okay to not be brave sometimes. This is one of those times.'

I was about to say 'She is in a better place now,' but how the fuck do I know where she was right then? For all we know, heaven might not exist and she was reincarnated in a worse place. So I told her 'I'm really sorry for your loss.'

I'm usually pretty good with words, but they failed me when I tried to comfort her. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. Instead I thought to myself how vulnerable humans are. One failed organ and we die.
It's also scary how a person's death can impact someone so deeply. Isn't death a scary thing?

If I were to die right now, I wouldn't want people to cry over my dead body. I would like them to smile and laugh and joke about me. It's not like with everyone being sad I'd be alive again. Why bother being sad?

Back when I was in high school, I and my friends always jokingly said to each other: 'I would never die before you do. And when you do die before me, I'll pee on your gravestone.' So if I were to die right now, I could picture some people actually peeing on my gravestone.

As for you.. If you were to die right now, would your friends and relatives cry? Would they smile since they knew you had lived a good life? Would they pee on your gravestone? Would they cry as they pee on your gravestone? What would they do? And what would you want them do?