An open letter to my future wife

Hi, hi? Hi. Did I get your attention now? As creepy as it might sound, I am your husband. Not the one currently drinking coffee and reading a newspaper beside you. I'm the younger version of him. I don't know how he actually looks like. But if I have to guess, probably: he has the same fat belly as I do; the same charming smile as I do (ha, yeah I wish), and the same love for Dr. Pepper as I do. Basically, I'm like him, but I have more hair than him. I guess.

Anyway.

Maria, this letter is written for you. By the younger version of your husband. Heck, I don't even know if your name is really Maria. Or whether we have actually met. Your name could very well be Jennifer. Or Sasha. Or Taylor. Or Jennifer. Or Maria. The point is: if you're married to a guy whose name is Kent and he is somewhat crazy, chances are this letter is written for you. And to make it simple, I would like to address you as Maria. But that would make me look like I'm dating Maria now. And I swear I'm not. So I'll just call you 'wife'. I know it's lame, but whatever.

So yeah. Dear wife, do we have kids? Huh? We have one son and one daughter? I don't know what kind of a woman you are that you could budge me to having kids. I don't like kids. Really. So yeah, the fact that we have kids is really weird to me. I guess you want kids, my ego doesn't. And I love you more than I do my ego.

Also, do we have a cat? No? We have a dog instead? Well,  I have always imagined you (wife) as a dog person. 90% of the girls hate cats anyway, so I won't really be surprised if you like dogs. But, to be honest with you, I like cats. I don't have anything against dogs, but I like cats more than I like dogs. I think they are cute and arguably smarter than dogs. And you probably told my future self that if he got a cat, he would have to take care of it himself, and being a lazy person that he is, he doesn't bother with it. Would you please consider getting us a cat, please? It would make my future self much happier. Thanks.

Being my wife and all, I would say that you have already read my blog. But since you're like 5-10 years ahead of me, I will assume you haven't read everything. You see, I'm an astute believer that to get a happily ever after, someone has to NOT take their partner for granted. And that's why sometimes I will ignore you. Or go somewhere else without telling you where I go. Or have a night with some of my friends without inviting you. Basically everything that would make you not take me for granted. I know it's weird, but that's what I believe in.

Also, when it comes to stuff that matter to me, I am picky. As fuck. Which is why I have only been once in a relationship (or maybe I'm just a guy who has no idea how to make girls like me. Which is a far more likely reason as to why I have only been once in a relationship). Anyway. The fact that I am married to you definitely shows you're unlike the other girls I met so far (I would go as far and say that you're probably one in a million, but with Earth population right now, that means there are 7,000 other people who are identical to you. So I don't think it's really that impressive). Which means that it will be super hard for me to find another you. Basically what I'm trying to say is: I won't cheat on you. And I will love you forever until the day you die (which means if I don't love you anymore, I can just kill you*).

P.S: Everytime you feel like my future self doesn't show you enough love, show him this letter. And all should be fine.

*You know I'm just kidding, right?